"Nothing strange about that" (I hear you say). After all, I am the world’s leading Agony Aunt and despite several, nay several dozen, embarrassing incidents, I have managed to maintain a certain cult status and a client list that includes several Hollywood stars and so many major and minor celebrities it would be difficult to shake a stick at ‘em.
Back to the subject at hand. Where was I? Ah, yes, Kate-bloody-Middleton! And so, although I had and still have no medical training whatsoever, I diagnosed Kate with a mild case of De Clarembeau Syndrome. This was after Kate - then aged 18 - told me she had been infatuated with a certain royal personage but also after she told me that she was completely sure that the same royal personage returned the feelings.
"Have you ever met him?" I asked. Turned out that, despite hanging out in London and always looking like posh totty, she’d never had. So, when she told me she had collected pictures of the fellow ever since she was 8, De Clarembeau's seemed very likely. When I told Miss Middleton this, I admit that I was drunk at the time, but even when I sobered up, I believed I had made yet another genius call. Let's face it, it is not often that I, Wilma Proops, is ever wrong. Of course Kate refused to take my advice and my bill has remained unpaid and continues to accrue interest.
It wasn’t long after my diagnosis that I unexpectedly saw Kate on television. I happened to be watching the BBC News and there was a story about Prince William being normal and going to St Andrew’s University in bonnie Scotland. I was drunk at the time and shouted things like “you over privileged tw*t” at the TV and was about to smash the screen in when, all of a sudden, I recognised the sh*t eating grin around a face, behind the future king of our realm! I was alarmed!
“Crikey” and words beginning with F, B and C, I chuckled to myself, "Kate will sort you out, you over privileged tw*t."
I immediately cottoned on to what was happening. Ms Middleton had enrolled at the same university as prince William to get near to the man upon whom she had based her De Clarembeau Syndromeon. I didn’t bother to get in touch with the police and let them know about Kate Middleton and how sufferers of De Clarembeau’s can be violent toward the man they target if that man does not reciprocate their inappropriate advances. So, it seemed that the goofy, prematurely balding idiot, the over-privileged tw*t, must have returned the inappropriate advances... I don't know, perhaps that's how royals carry on.
In retrospect, I wish I had reported Kate Middleton to the police as a potential assassin. Such a move would have undoubtedly have been good publicity but I decided against. Instead, because of my anti-royalist beliefs, I thought I’d let her get on with it.
Soon after seeing that sh*t eating grin in close proximity to the goofy tw*t I came to thinking that my Clarembeau’s diagnosis could be wrong. Perhaps the older Middleton sister was just an everyday stalker. Eh, but wasn’t there a funny end to this story? On 29 April 2011 Kate Middleton married Prince William. This must make her the most successful stalker in history. Funny? Bloody hilarious!
Soon after seeing that sh*t eating grin in close proximity to the goofy tw*t I came to thinking that my Clarembeau’s diagnosis could be wrong. Perhaps the older Middleton sister was just an everyday stalker. Eh, but wasn’t there a funny end to this story? On 29 April 2011 Kate Middleton married Prince William. This must make her the most successful stalker in history. Funny? Bloody hilarious!
Stalker meets President of the United States of America! Kate's payoff for being a stalker continues...
